In early July 2003, around 1 AM on a Tuesday (really Wednesday) I was driving from Baltimore to Washington on an essentially deserted 295, when (literally) "out of nowhere" came a cop in an unmarked car who pulled me over. He nabbed me for going 78(!) in what was a 45(!!!) zone (due to construction that wasn't in evidence at that time.)
He gave me a ticket for $270, which I guess could have been $570 - he told me he was giving me a "break" by not doubling my fine fine for speeding in a work zone.
I was, somewhat foolishly, furious. So I decided to go to traffic court.
Traffic court in Hyattsville, MD works like this: You're assigned a day to show up at the courthouse. Before you go into the courtroom, however, you must have a conference with the citing officer. At that time you have the option of paying your sentence, or convincing the officer that due to circumstance should get some sort of price break.
I told the officer: "Listen - I know I was going over the speed limit, but it was in the middle of the night on a deserted road; I've travelled that road daily for over five years; In all that time, I've never seen anyone going the speed limit on that road and I don't believe I was going the speed you said I was going."
"Hmm. Well, how fast do you think you were going?" he said.
"sixty-five?" I said.
"Okay. Let me go talk to the DA and see what we can do. She usually won't let me do a plea over thirty (mph over the speed limit), so let me see what kind of mood she's in ."
The officer was gone for over 10 minutes. When he came back, he said exactly this:
"You should know, that you are probably the luckiest person in this court today. You see, I don't usually work the overnight shift, and obviously it affected my thinking. I'm going to be honest with you: I don't remember exactly where I pulled you over, but the location I wrote in the ticket (points to spot on ticket), is not my jurisdiction. Therefore, on this technicality, this case has to be thrown out. I tagged you with a laser from a quarter mile away, long before you could have possibly seen me in my dark, unmarked car, and you were going 78. I'm a specialist in lasers: I teach people how to use them, and I've NEVER lost a case on this type of tag. You're very, very lucky. Take this paper (hands me a yellow court sheet) into the courtroom, the judge will dismiss the case and you'll be free to go. Any questions ?"
I did have one question: I was curious why I'd never seen a cop going the speed limit. He told me, but if you want to know, write me at mandra@defDumbAndBass.com
So, I remain the luckiest man I know.
Where are you?!?!
Posted by: Andrea on October 31, 2003 11:01 AMI'm trying to find you!!!
Posted by: on October 31, 2003 11:01 AMcan't remember if I sent this one in yet or not
it's part one of THe Parrot Triology
L.
JOES BAR AND GRILL
sfx: crowded bar amb.
Al: Hey Bob, how you doing? Long time no see!
Bob: Al, son of a gun. Come over here, sit down. Lemme buy you a beer
AL: Yeah, man, I already ordered one. Hadden come yet. Which is no
surprise, I mean....have you seen the bartender?
Bob: Who?
Al: The bartender. That guy over there. Look at him.. Look at the way
he's walking. It looks like he's got a disease....
Bob: Naw, he's just a little slow, that's all.
Bob: No, man, look at the rhythym, way he walks:
Ga- duck, ga-duck, a bumpabump, wham slit SHZYYYYYYYYY
Ga- duck, ga-duck, a bumpabump, wham slit SHZYYYYYYYYY
That's brain damange, man.
AL : Yeah, reminds me...Bob, you ever see a parrrot get naked?
Bob: What's that- slang, man?
AL: No, no, a parrot. That's not slang. "A parrot" just means " a
parrot."
Like a tropical bird, lives in the jungle, you seen it on TV, only they
catch it and put it in cages for little old ladies in Pasedena-
Bob: -Oh right, man, like a small chicken-
Al: -a chicken in drag
Bob: -right-
Al: - and you know who likes 'em are those little kids who've got leukemia
and can't have a dog - they can't, see, on account of the allergies-you seen
'em on TV, these scrawny little white kids, bones poking through the skin,
they're so white they look like Michael Jackson- but see if they touch
doghair if they even breathe doghair- WHAM! Allergiy attack! Ten
seconds over and out.
Bob: That fast, man?
Al: Ten seconds. Convulsion city. Bardo-time. But with a parrot it's
cool, see-
Bob: What the hell is that bartender doing? Look... he pulled a beer,
okay- my beer-and now he's standing there pouring the glass on his own
head. The whole thing.
Al: You ever see a parrot get naked, Bob?
Bob: Look at him, the beer's running down his shirt, he's just standing
there twitching, doing these fish-lip things with his mouth
Al: See, they do it when they think you're not looking.
Bob: Oh, and now he's hopping, he's hopping up and down on one leg. What I
want to know is-
BAl: Most of they time, ifthey think you're looking, they just hang out in
the cage wearing those feathers-
Bob: What I want to know is, how the hell does a guy like that get a job as
a bartender?
AL: Which you think is the real thing, right? I mean, you think that's
what the parrot looks like- the feathers, the beak, right? the whole parrot
look...
Bob: Jesus, now look what he's doing-
Al: But you walk in the room when they're not expecting you, you might just
catch 'em with the costume off.
Bob: Man, the guy's going hurt himself-somebody oughta stop him-
AL: You ever seen that, Bob? You ever walk in on a parrot when it's doing
the full monty? You know what it looks like?
Bob: What? No, man, I've never seen that. I don't ever want to see it
either.
AL: What do think it looks like then?
Bob: Oh God, look out for the bartender, the guy's gonna blow, he's gonna
blow-
(explosion)
Al: So what do you think a parrot looks like really?
Bob: Oh man that is disgusting. You see that? What a mess.. That's going
to be really hard to clean up.
AL: Hey Bob, you ever seen a parrot in the flesh?
Bob: No, man I told you I never saw one. How would I know what it looks
like? How am I going to get a beer now?
Al: Well, what do you think it looks like?
Bob: So what do you want me to do, guess?
AL: Yeah, guess.
Bob: Guess.....okay, let's see. I'm guessing a naked parrot looks like...
a great big... blue... M and M.
AL: What?
Bob. You heard me. A big blue M and M.
AL: That is ignorant, Bob. Where you'd get that from? That's country. If
a naked parrot looked like a piece of chocolate candy it would look halfway
good. But the fact is it's ugly, Bob, it's hideous. I mean, why do you
think they need the feathers-and beak get-up in the first place?
Bob: I'm going to have to go, man. Gotta find some place I can get a beer.
AL: Okay, wait I want to ask you something-
Bob: I told you already. A big blue M and M. That's all. Trust me.
AL: No no, what I want to ask is, do you think Leonard deCiprio is a
decent actor?
Bob: DeCiprio? No way. The guy sucks.
Al: Yeah. Not bad for a parrot, though. Ever think of that?
Bob: Yeah well that's true, if you think of it that way. Listen, you want
to go to a different bar where they serve beer?
Al: No, I'm going stay here and wait for the cops to show . They usually
get here about ten minutes after the bartender does his thing.